I have been wanting to write or talk about a very sensitive and heated topic for a very long time. The topic of Virginity. However, it took me awhile to figure out how to approach such topic to what to actually say. As time went on, I decided to let go and allow the Gods and Goddesses to guide and… VOILA!
To find out what virginity means to me and where I stand on this topic overall, continue reading below.
p.s. This post contains “explicit” content for mature readers only.
The|Power of “Virginity”|
I think it is first important to define this term, virginity. What does this term mean to you? I know that most, if not all, of you, thinking about this, define virginity as: not ever having sex before, penetrative sex, penile-vaginal sex, or even as this phenomenon of the “cherry” not being popped.
Before college and all the rhetoric, that comes with it, I would define virginity just about the same way. However, today, I define virginity as simply not having every experienced something sexually or even… non-sexually. But I know that because this term carries a variety of connotations in society, we mainly associate it with sexual activity.
Now, prior to taking Gender, Race, & Class, Sexuality & Society and Women & Gender Studies, I would own my identity, as a virgin, with pride. Not to say that this is necessarily a negative thing, as I personally believe in waiting to explore your sexuality with someone you trust and feel safe with is most important. The keyword here is SAFE.
However, this term was not only coined in order to distinguish those who have or have not had sex. But this term was specially coined in order to stigmatize, brand and monopolize women.
Are you surprised? I am surely not. Think about it. Anytime you have ever heard the term, virginity, who appeared in your mind? A male or a female individual? A woman or a man?
As I get older and experience life, I am learning that this term does not really hold as much value to me anymore.
I am realizing that the more and more people ask me whether: I am a virgin or not or if I have had penetrative sex, the more and more I become…. frustrated!
Why does this matter to you? How is my intimate life any of your business?
Now, I am not saying this is no huge secret that needs to be buried by the C.I.A. No. However, I have had ENOUGH of the obsession, over-sexualization, and verbal harassment with my body and women’s bodies. But, specifically what is in between our legs.
I understand that such questions, of whether or not I am having “sex” or if I am still a “virgin,” coming from close family and friends may have an underlying complex of sincerity and concern, sure. However, that is not always the case nor is it always ok.
“Your virginity is a gift?”
Last time I checked my body is not an object that is being wrapped and given to someone on a holiday. Objectifying a woman’s body, or perhaps her vagina, as a gift, is not only that… OBJECTIFYING, but insinuates that because it is a gift the person receiving it can do whatever it is they want to do with it. Does this sound right or ok to you?
Objectifying virginity as this “special gift” that needs to be saved for someone special is just that… objectifying! This needs to stop! My body is not an object, a toy that can be tossed around, nobody’s is. What, just because I love someone and they love me they automatically deserve and have the right to stick their penis in me? I do not think so. Notions like this are one of the many reasons why marital rape is not talked about, acknowledged, or condemned.
Therefore, PLEASE stop teaching your daughter(s), niece(s), and/or sister(s) that their vaginas are “special gifts.”
Stop objectifying their vaginas as sacred and “special gifts” for men, and instead, encourage them to share a very personal and vulnerable moment with someone they trust and feel SAFE with. Not to mention, maybe your daughter(s), niece(s), and/or sister(s), are lesbian, or do not have any sexual attraction or desire for men. Ever think about that?
The scary part about this is that the concept of virginity is taught at a very early age. I am talking about kindergarten, in the sense that girls and boys are taught that their private areas are off limits that it is a no-no for anybody to touch. WHICH IS IMPORTANT AND ABSOLUTELY NECESSARY, make no mistake!! My only problem with this is that they are not taught that the rest of their bodies, which is built not only from their physical forms such as their minds, souls, spirits, and hearts, hold as much value, equally, too. Teach them that every inch of themselves, head to toe, innate too, hold an equal value of and deserve respect. It is, the mind, body, and soul that creates one, remember?
“Before you let someone take your virginity…” is what they say.
The keyword here is “take.” But… pause because my virginity is not up for the “taking,” as if my vagina and hymen was the last piece of chicken at a Superbowl party ready to be snatched up by a hungry creature. NOT okay.
My body is not an open house for sale. You cannot just walk through just because there is a sign on the lawn that says, “for sale.” Have respect enough to ring the doorbell and if I feel comfortable letting you in; nonetheless opening the door, we can… TALK. Otherwise, do not force yourself into my personal space, especially if you were not invited.
This term, virginity, also suggests that a female who has not had sex is pure and clean versus a female who has had sex suggests that she maybe promiscuous or otherwise stigmatized as dirty. The problem with this is that those who have not had sex are praised and honored; whereas, those who have, are condemned.
ENOUGH of the obsession, over-sexualization, and verbal harassment of my body, and all women’s bodies!
Take religion for example. In a variety of religions, virginity is expected until the woman is married, and if the woman fails to comply, she is otherwise shunned by her family and community.
Disclaimer, I am not trying to offend anyone’s religion. These are just my personal beliefs. I am justifiably trying to inform, educate, empower, and enlighten.
Unfortunately, the concepts of virginity have become one of the most prominent norms in the lives of adolescent men and women.
Adolescent men in that taking a girls virginity gives them status for being the first to mark their territory or “pop that cherry.” Stop teaching your son(s), nephew(s), and brother(s) this.
Adolescent women in that they compete for the attention of men by giving their virginity an expiration date or even selling it to the highest bidder. You read that right. There are actually young women, in the world, who are selling their virginities to the highest bidder in order to fund their education and well… live.
Do you see what I see?
You do not believe me? Watch this video here.
Lastly, the misconception that a female becomes a woman once she has had sex or penetrative sex is very insulting and dehumanizing as it strips women from self-autonomy, maturity, and worth. Overall, implying that one needs a man to become or be acknowledged as a woman, who is a human being. Not to mention that such idea is ostracizing to those who do not fall under the heteronormative sphere of sexuality: lesbians, gays, asexuals, transgenders… etc.
“Virginity,” is not inclusive, but needs to be.
ENOUGH of that, “I grab pussy and pop cherries,” shit.
Unless you are grabbing your pussy, as in your CAT, you know the animal that walks on all fours and has 9 lives, off the street from being hit by a car, do me, yourself, and the world a favor by simply eliminating this phrase from your vocabulary and everyday life.
The power of this term and concept of virginity stigmatizes, controls, and objectifies women. STOP.
I would love to hear your thoughts on virginity. Share your thoughts in the comment section below!