She smiles on the outside but is hurting on the inside.

Consumed by Fear #collegeisROUGH

According to the article, The tough pre-college talk I wish my parents had initiated, the author Grace Gedye, talks about how she wishes her parents, and even teachers talked to her about the toll college and adulting can take on her mental health.

Here is my story.


I completed my sophomore year. ✔

I made the Dean’s list. ✔

I am ecstatic! ✔

Yet, scared… and anxious.

Here is why,

I. Do. Not. Know. What. I. Want. To. EXACTLY. Do. In. Life.

Who am I…?

I bet you are saying to yourself, “well, who does?”

This passing semester has to be the most challenging, stressful, anxious driven, depressing, and exhausting times, I have, thus far, ever… experienced.

And NO it is not because of the essays, online assignments, and or group projects.

But, it is because I am stuck in limbo as to who I am, where my passions reside, who I aspire to be in life… especially life after college… I am having a hard time believing in myself…

And this whole choosing a major thing is NOT helping. It does not help. At least for me, it has not and still is not. I desire a change… but an answer to what, still remains the same, I. Do. Not. Know.


All I have ever known is how to be a well-rounded student, aside from being the best person a person can be…

Who am I…?

After a scare, in which my registration almost got pulled, due to a balance of nearly $9000 found on my school account, I found myself attending my classes late and being completely checked out of one of them… But, not because I do not care. If anything, I care so much that it paralyzes me at the thought of failing, probably one of my biggest fears in life.

This balance on my account scared me so much that I started to question everything about myself. From whether I deserve to attend college in my dream city, so how could I let myself fail by getting to this point. I was completely distraught and heartbroken because I thought I had one, disappointed those who cheer for me, and two, made a huge mistake moving to an extremely expensive city to attend an extremely expensive school. I felt guilty and selfish…

I allowed my fears to consume me and unfortunately… I still do most of the time.

Fortunately, I have a pretty strong tribe of people in my life who were there for me during this time, as they helped me with the successful letter of appeal, I had to write to the Financial Aid Board and Dean, and provided me the last $1000 I needed to completely pay the remaining balance on my account.

I am a conqueror.


For those who know me extremely well, it is no surprise to you as to how hard I am on myself. Why do you think I am so inconsistent with this beautiful blog of mines? I strive for things to be so perfect, or at least as close to perfection as possible, especially if it has been solidified as a goal, dream, and/or passion of mine. I am so terribly scared and just SCARED of failing, that I constantly beat myself up to the point where my self-esteem hits rock bottom, which prevents me from getting out of bed or engaging in the things I love, such as writing.

Only six months ago I wrote, here, about how much time I have and how I know I have a purpose in life…

It is pretty scary seeing how quick my confidence and self-perception can take a whole 360-degree turn, so abruptly and so quickly…

Truthfully… I am the heartbreaker of my own heart. I need and want to break up with my worst enemy… Myself.


Depression is like drowning in an infinite amount of water. Except the water are your thoughts, fears, and insecurities about your self worth.
Healthyplace.com

Most of the times, when I am in a depressive and anxious driven episode, I feel like I am drowning in an ocean of water… where I cannot: breathe, see the sun’s reflection at the surface as a symbol of hope and positivity, remember all that is beautiful about myself, internally and externally, and see all I have accomplished thus far… I feel trapped in fear and self-pity…

That is how deep under, or low, I can feel…

Now, most of you who know me, or do not, probably think I am a confident person by the way I walk, talk, and or write. But, that is just me staying strong on the outside, and fighting with myself on the inside. Take a look at the featured picture above. Looks can be deceiving.

Pretending to be ok is exhausting and all-around draining.

I am a conqueror.

But, why? I live in my dream city. I attend a great university. I have a great family/support system. I have money to feed myself. I have a job or more like two jobs. I have a roof over my head. I have a bed to sleep on. I have clothes to wear. To most people, I have… EVERYTHING, that American Dream. Yet, I do not feel fulfilled or happy inside with myself…

Here is the thing with depression, or just feeling at your most ultimate low, you could have everything in the world, and still FEEL very unhappy, empty, or just sad. {However, this may not be the case for all those who struggle with depression as everybody’s experiences in life are different. I just know it is the case for me, personally.} Now, it is not because you are ungrateful, I am certainly not! If anything, I know how incredibly BLESSED I am, which hurts me even more, as there are people out there who are struggling way worse than I am on top of the bigger problems we are facing in the world as a whole. If you too suffer this, know that you are not alone, and I hope you can find peace and refuge in this post and my blog overall.

I felt so guilty and still do sometimes…

Last year, I told myself, you are going to earn an internship, you are going to do magnificent things! I accomplished the second part, but not the first. You know why?

Because… I did not tell or encourage myself to make focusing on what makes me happy and what makes my soul light up brighter than the sun a priority. I believe this is what led me to not earning an internship for this summer…

Although do not get me wrong, I tried! I applied, and APPLIED a handful of times, shoot probably a dozen or more! And as the semester came to an end, and I did not hear back from the internships I applied to, I became so hard on myself. And I mean, crying on the bathroom floor, telling myself, “you are stupid, you are incompetent” etc, kind of hard. I was so extremely disappointed in myself, and still am sometimes…

In efforts to build my network and strive for professional success, I decided to stay here in NYC for the summer. About a month into this new transition, I came to the conclusion that I have and want to move back home for the remainder of the summer. But not because me building my network and striving for professional success was hard. But because it takes me about an hour and a half sometimes two to travel to and from Manhattan for work, I am spending more money than saving due to high travel and personal expenses, and therefore do not have time to build my network I really invest in the things I love. Fast forward, after trying to make it work, I knew going back home was the best and healthiest option… Was I excited at first? No. Was I disappointed in myself? 110%. Did I beat myself up over it? Absolutely. Did I feel like I failed myself and everyone who believes in me? Absolutely. Do I still feel like I failed? Unfortunately… yes. But I am reminding myself that I did not, and even if I did, as “failure” is simply shadowed or concealed success, especially if dedication and work ethic was present. Everything will be ok.

I am the heart breaker of my own heart.

And you know what I am glad and proud of myself for finally being able to that say that, feel that, and accept that. That I TRIED my best. This is a true milestone for me.

Always give yourself credit and a round of applause for trying your best, because once you reach that pinnacle of success that you so hoped, desired, and prayed for, you will have a list of enemies, people who will wish bad on you, and people who want to see you fail. The last person you need on that list, is you, yourself. Therefore, do not drown yourself in self-pity, self-hatred, and self-disappoint, at least try not to.


I am a conqueror.

Not too long ago, just recently actually, I had many revelations. Revelations that helped me realize that my heart was not 100% into those internships I applied for. I realized that I was just applying because… well, that is what you do as a college student and because I was so desperately looking for answers and experience to push me into some unseen direction of my future and dreams. Every internship I applied to, a piece of my gut, soul, and heart, was screaming, “No, no, this is not for you. This is not what you truly want to do…”

But you know what… I am OK with that. Or at least I am training and teaching myself to be OK with that. I do not need an internship to help define my success. I do not need an internship to be that deciding factor in whether or not I will capture my dreams, goals, and aspirations. I am a passionate, strong, intelligent, brave, positive, independent, and motivated individual and innovator. I am Innocyentia and I am Innocently Fierce.

Now, how many of you listen to your gut, heart, and or soul, or believe that they exist in guiding you?

I am a firm believer in listening to my heart, gut, and soul. Before, it was just the gut to be listened to. However, I learned that it really takes your gut, heart, and soul to completely guide you. Your gut is that physical feeling you get, which senses right or wrong. Your heart is the emotion that is triggered by what your gut senses. Lastly, your soul fuels your gut and your heart, as it is the keeper of your truest desires.

My gut, heart, and soul have been speaking to me lately. More so screaming at me to: take care of myself better by not berating myself or being so incredibly hard on myself and also not to feel the need to be apologetic or guilty for struggling with depression and low self-esteem.

If anything, I am learning that baby steps need to be taken in order to heal and grow. I mean literal baby steps like the size of a baby’s foot.

And hey if I fall and stumble a few times while learning to embrace and strengthen each step, I know it is to help me rise like the sun and bloom like a flower, so that each step turns into a comfortable walk, taking me on an exquisite journey.

I am done being hard on myself. I am done berating myself. I am done tearing myself down and not feeling good enough. I. Am. Just. Done.

Now, this does not mean that from here on out, every day will be perfect and that the rough days will disappear. Because. That. Is. A. LIE. Me declaring that I am done simply means that I am taking the necessary steps, precautions, and tools to build a better, healthier, and stronger mentality for myself, towards myself. I want to take my life back from myself and I WILL take my life back from myself.

I am a conqueror.

This piece was nor is not intended to receive pity or for you to feel sorry for me. I am simply raising more awareness about mental illnesses such as depression and low self-esteem by sharing my story as it is a growing epidemic in our society. We need to stop thinking that only certain groups experience it and suffer from it. I can speak from my personal experience in that growing up in Haitian culture and values mental health was not discussed nor really acceptable. It was always just a speech about going to school to get “ that” degree, that education is the key to a promising future, and that money equates to success. Or that such feelings could be easily shaken off.
I remember when my low self-esteem began to fall. At this time, I remember a sit down I had with my parents, in regards to my “behavior” and just a “check-in”, in which I expressed to both my mother and father how just unbeautiful and just unhappy I FELT with myself inside and out. The good parents that they are, they responded to me by telling me how beautiful, smart, and all that I am so there is no reason for me to feel that way. After, we briefly briefly, oh so briefly, talked about me seeking help with a therapist. As hesitant as they were, I did not receive the help I needed, right away, until about a year or two later after a visit I had with my doctor…
Now, I am not wholeheartedly blaming my parents as I know that their intentions were in the best place. They dealt with that the best way they knew and know how.

I am a innocently fierce.

All-embracing, if you too suffer from depression, anxiety, low-self esteem or any other mental illness seek a doctor, therapist, counselor, teacher, parent, friend, or anybody you trust and feel safe with, for help and support. You are not alone and it is ok to not be or feel OK. Do not blame yourself, berate yourself, hurt yourself, or shame yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help.

You are a conqueror.

Now, for those of you who suspect that your friend, child, or parent are struggling emotionally, mentally, and or spiritually, or see that they are stressed or anxious or becoming more distant, send them a text or give them a call to let them know that you care about them and that if they ever need someone to talk to or someone to just listen to them express their feelings/thoughts, or someone to cry to, that you are there for them. Life is too short, precious, and extraordinary to keep these conversations hidden and nonexistent.
To learn more about and seek help for mental health illnesses visit:

You are innocently fierce.

Yours truly,

Innocyentia

p.s I would love to hear your thoughts in the comment section below. Otherwise, stay tuned, by subscribing here, to Innocently Fierce, and following me on social media, for more updates on my health & wellness journey as well as my blog overall.

<3

7 thoughts on “Consumed by Fear #collegeisROUGH

  1. Beautiful piece Inno! Forgiving ourselves our shortcomings is the first step in moving towards our goals. You are destined to do great things, thank you for sharing your story. #selfcare

  2. Miss Inno,
    Thank you for sharing your story dealing with your constant looming fear of failure. I’m sure a lot of us can relate. It was just so recent that i watched a video of a former athlete revealing to the world that he was about to take his life because he feels like he doesn’t belong anywhere. It should never get to that point and it’s our responsibility as friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, bosses, teachers etc.. to build social awareness and simply care.

Share your thoughts!!